Passion of the Cucumber
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: An Easter, Passover and Apil Fool's adventure for the whole family!


Bob the Tomato gleefully read from his elegant, medieval Bible-looking script . "And so Jesus heroically chose to make the noble sacrifice, and allowed himself to be arrested and flogged by the Roman guards!"

"That'th right!" Larry the Cucumber, dressed in the robes and fake facial hair and hippie wig of Jesus, agreed. "I will now nobily allow myself to be arrested and...flogged? Bob what's 'flog' mea-AAAAAAAAA!" He cried as Pa Grape, in roman centurion getup, went to work with his whip, spraying the paper biblical background and Bob with Cucumber juice.

"And then it came to pass that Jesus heroically allowed himself to be crucified!"Bob continued.

Panting, Larry repeated, "yeth I ...will now be...cru...Bob? BOOOOOB?"

Angelic choir music echoed through the kitchen as the two gourds jimmy and jerry nailed him to a cross constructed from popsicle sticks.

"And they placed upon his head a crown of thorns," ( _"AAAAAA FFFFFFFFIDDKESTICKS_ _THAT HURTS_...") "and called him King of the Vegetables."

Larry moaned weakly and the two gourds pushed the cross away for the yscene change.

Behind the rolling camera, director Mel Gibson gave an approving thumbs up.

"But behold," bob continued. "Jesus rose again!"

Offscreen came three loud shrieks as Larry had the nails yanked out and he thumped to the floor. The bleeding Cucumber dragged himself back into set and panted, "I, I, have been rethurected my children! Behold."

"And so was the miracle of easter!" Bob concluded.

Larry laughed weakly, relieved the show was finally done.

"What about the Jews?" Gibson whined from behind the camera. "You forgot to mention how evil the filthy bank-controlling-"

"... _Pharaoh_!" Bob shouted quickly, nervously cutting off their questionable director. "...uh, enslaved Jesus's ancestors! For you see children today isn't just Easter, but also the third day of Pasach!"

Costumes and sets were sjpeedy whipped up, and Larry was now a decked up pharaoh, relaxing in an inflatable Egyptian-snake themed water float, in the Nile River.

"And Moses said unto Pharoh,"

Junior Asparagus appeared in robes and a stock Santa beard, with a large (to a veggie) twig serving as his staff. "Let my people go!"

Larry retorted, "not by the false ceremonial gold beard on my chinny chin chin!"

Bob read on, "and so the Lord reined upon pharaoh the Ten Plages: blood,"

Larry screamed and jumped out of his inflatable serpent, dripping in Nile River blood.

"Frogs..."

"Yeeeaaah getttem off me...!"

"Locust,"

Larry screamed beneath a buzzing cloud of insects.

"Disease,"

Larry shivered and sneezed.

"Boils,"

Larry moaned as green boils erupted all over his Cucumber body.

"Wild beasts,"

In succession Larry was pounded by King Kong, fried by Godzilla'sfire breath, mauled by a t-Rex to the soundtrack of "Jurassic Park," and ripped in half by the Wompa.

"Hail,"

Larry was pummeled by sidewalk salt, which to a cucumber was like being rained down on with baseball sized stones.

"Lice..." over Larry's howls Bob muttered, "did I get these out over order? Oh well too late, we're on live after all. He-em: darkness,"

The lights flicked off, and Larry stumbled through the cloud of lice, boils, locust and disease in the dark, clamoring and crashing into who-knew-what.

"And finally, the slaying of the first born! Are you first born Larry?"

"P-p-please make it qui-AAAAA"

Laura Carrot, in a gothic angel costume, had run him through with a pink plastic sandwich sword, and was twisting slowly, spraying Cucumber juice onto the camera.

"G-guys," Larry gasped, "are you sure all this violence is appropriate for the kids?"

"W-whatever" Bob snickered, "do you mean Larry?"

Everyone was stifling giggles now.

"W-w-what's tho funny?" Larry stammered through his injuries (one locust and the t-Rex were still gnawing on him.)

Laura Carrot laughed, "look at the calendar silly!"

Larry glanced at the calendar over the sink. "April...fir...oh,"

"APRIL FOOL'S!" All the other veggies and Mel Gibson chanted.

Bob laughed, "you didn't really think we'd show the kids two hours of you getting tortured to death on live TV?"

Mrs Asparagus added, "or let a notoriously racist and antisemetic sadist direct a family film?"

Bob finished with a smile, "What kind of sick bastards did you take us for?"

"h-hey" Larry realized, "its Passover, easter and April fools all at once!"

Junior explained, "so we had to do something special!"

Larry laughed weakly. "Good joke guys!"

Bob finished, "Of course we'd never show that on TV! Only kids with special permission slips from their parents were allowed to attend this performance! Let's give Larry a hand kids!"

In the theater seats a crowd of children, Christian Jewish and Muslim, cheered and clapped over their roaring laughter.

Larry did his best to laugh with them, wishing the children a "merry week of Easter-Fools-sach!" then passed out from Cucumber-juice loss.


End file.
